His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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