what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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