Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
