so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
