remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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