peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
