I hate all girls vehemently.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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