What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
