Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
