I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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