I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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