I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
