Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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