I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
