but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
