In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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