He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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