Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
