nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
