Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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