Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
