i think my tv is drunk
from now on my penis is your penis
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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