No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
