I want you more than these girls want KFC
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
