I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
