You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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