You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
