what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
