I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
