I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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