I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
