Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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