I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
