I think my vagina is haunted
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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