I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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