I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
