OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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