turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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