I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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