He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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