I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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