This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
