Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
