Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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