think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
