apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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