dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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