chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
