apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
