were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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