Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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