btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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