She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
