Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
