I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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