How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Randomize
