Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
