the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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