Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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