you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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