About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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