Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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