I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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