Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
