i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
