She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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