if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
