my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
